yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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