Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
