My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
