How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
