I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
