My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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