I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
