He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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