our cab driver is having phone sex.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
