just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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