i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
