There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
