8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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