Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
