there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
