i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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