if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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