i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Never underestimate the power of titties
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
