This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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