I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
