I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
