The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
