i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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