When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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