today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
