hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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