Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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