I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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