The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
