are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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