Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
