If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
