Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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