i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
