she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
