You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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