these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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