When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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