So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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