He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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