Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
