Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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