He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
