Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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