Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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