dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I puked a lego.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
