All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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