i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
