Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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