My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
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