My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
