my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
