Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I can't put those talents on a resume
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
